The Zulu Proposal and Engagement

So I’ve been asked to send through 2 event design proposals for traditional Zulu weddings you can imagine my excitement and the nerves – to be part of an authentically Zulu celebration would truly be such a great honour and pleasure. Did I mention this is just a PROPOSAL!? LOL! Yes, I do get ahead of myself. I LOVE that! *dancing*

I’m going to make sure I take in as much as possible – there is no such thing as a fruitless exercise (if you don’t get the job at least learn from it, right?). On this journey of unwrapping the absolutely rich and extremely symbolic “Zulu Wedding/Ceremony” I had to do a lot of research and speak to elders and young people so that I wouldn’t completely mess up the traditional and authentic elements of the ceremony but also to be able to add a modern twist so that the young couple is represented and the elders aren’t offended *whew*…But if I have somehow messed up this blog please feel free to write a comment and let me know; I’m really no expert on the subject, but if I'm right then I guess I am now. Ok let’s begin, shall we?

Ok, so any black South African woman (I can pretty much say from any tribe) will pretty much tell you that getting “engaged” in their culture is not quite as simple as it is with the Western culture. I’m not too sure about the other cultures but I’m pretty certain about the Zulu and the Xhosa culture (hmmm...just got an idea for another blog)

Well, my general feeling is that now that we are in 2013 we all kinda “wing it” anyway, so we all do that whole ring thing and some even do that going down on one knee thing (some will just ask you randomly while you are washing the dishes and buy the ring a week later. LOL! no seriously). Ok my point is in my culture "the ring" actually means absolutely NOTHING! Yup, Zilch! Yes, yes it’s exciting he’s given you a ring and he’s asked you to marry him but most of that is just for show and will mean NOTHING to your parents! Seriously!

I’ll demonstrate… when I got “engaged” and I ran to show my mom the lovely bling on my finger she looked at it and was like “It’s really beautiful, my baby. Manje uzanini azocela?” (When is he coming to ask for your hand in marriage?). Uhmm…yeah and everyone went back to doing their chores…No screams. Big party. No big congrats hugs. None of that. (No moms were harmed during this exchange).

Anyway enough about me back to the Traditional Zulu Wedding Ceremony. A Zulu wedding is not just a one day celebration but a series of events. So that I sound educated I’ll throw in an expert (Monica Wilson, UCT Anthropology) quote for emphasis “a customary marriage in true African tradition is not an event but a process that comprises a chain of events”. Therefore it is only fitting that I have a series of blogs that will serve to demystify the different practices and rituals that go into this beautiful union. How educated did that sound? Hehehehehe

But I digress…

Ukucelwa (Asking for the hand in marriage) & Lobola Negotiations

So he arranges a very romantic dinner at a fancy place gets over the nerves and gets on one knee and proposes. She’s ecstatic, she says yes, engagement party and now the wedding planning begins correct? WRONG! Now that he asked her she now has the difficult task of telling the parents. I say “difficult task” because most strict Zulu parents don’t believe in the whole “dating thing”(by “parents” – I mean dads because mom’s in every culture are often pretty chilled out…*ehm*); you don’t just “meet the parents” while you are dating. There is no such, it is just not done – a strict traditional Zulu dad has absolutely no desires to meet your “boyfriend”, no desires to talk about your “boyfriend” or the courtship or any of that; and if he had his way his way you would never ever be around boys until/if he okays it (wait that sounds like all dads) and his daughter has the common sense to know not to do anything that will upset this natural order of life. Clear enough? Ok. Moving right along.

The big question now is HOW do you tell the parents then? When you want to get married the first person you go to is your “Babakazi”, your father’s sister or “Malumekazi”, your mother’s brother’s wife or an older sister who is married. They are the people responsible for telling your parents (most people don’t do this anymore, of course – it is after all 2013, so people would just go to their mom and then she tells dad)

The future groom also tells the male counterparts on his side. They then decide on the date for the first “official” meeting with the brides family. This is then followed by writing a letter to the bride's family to request a meeting.  The elected person called “Idombo” is the one who represents the groom at this meeting which is held at the parents of the bride’s home. The groom is not allowed to be present at this meeting - because this meeting is logically only for elders. This is a very important meeting for three main reasons it confirms everyone’s intentions, this is where the guy officially asks for the bride’s hand in marriage (yes, despite the fact that he is not at the meeting) and most importantly this is where the “Lobola” (dowry) is negotiated.

Lobola negotiations (just like all the other customs vary from family to family and sadly has been bastardised by those who use it as a money making scheme which is very sad because this is a very symbolic and beautiful custom). According to most elders asked on the topic this is how it’s supposed to go down:

Lobola is a combination of items given to the family of the bride as a symbol of appreciation from the groom. The father and uncles of the bride decide on what these items are. The first item “ukangaziwe” meaning “now you know me”, is money requested and given at this meeting and is the formal introduction of the groom. (Hopefully the Idombo has enough money with him otherwise the bride’s family will not acknowledge him and the meeting will not proceed – it is rare that the meeting doesn't proceed,  as I noted before this process is not a big money making scheme but a symbolic cultural gesture). 

The “Idombo” is now given a list of the lobola items which can be given in part over a period of time. First is the “Nkomo” which is cattle (how many will be at the discretion of the dad and uncles) or money  equivalent to the price of the cattle, then “Amalobolo” is the mothers cow to give special thanks to the mother for giving birth to and raising the bride.  Next is “Impahla” which are items of clothing for the mother and father. Most pay in part with the majority to begin with, as in certain incidences it is seen as rude to just pay upfront (as if the lobola was nothing but chop-change to you), then maybe a little more after the first child, and the rest remains indebted forever after this point (as a symbol of forever being indebted to the family of the bride for their lovely daughter and to keep the families tied together forever). Beautiful isn’t?

After this meeting the couple is now considered officially engaged. Once the required “lobola” has been paid, which can be a few weeks or months after the initial meeting, the couple is now considered customarily married and can now have the “church wedding”.  But a lot of other rituals and ceremonies take place between the above meeting and the wedding ceremony. Because I’m totally awesome I shall tell you all about them over the next few blogs.