The Zulu Proposal and Engagement

So I’ve been asked to send through 2 event design proposals for traditional Zulu weddings you can imagine my excitement and the nerves – to be part of an authentically Zulu celebration would truly be such a great honour and pleasure. Did I mention this is just a PROPOSAL!? LOL! Yes, I do get ahead of myself. I LOVE that! *dancing*

I’m going to make sure I take in as much as possible – there is no such thing as a fruitless exercise (if you don’t get the job at least learn from it, right?). On this journey of unwrapping the absolutely rich and extremely symbolic “Zulu Wedding/Ceremony” I had to do a lot of research and speak to elders and young people so that I wouldn’t completely mess up the traditional and authentic elements of the ceremony but also to be able to add a modern twist so that the young couple is represented and the elders aren’t offended *whew*…But if I have somehow messed up this blog please feel free to write a comment and let me know; I’m really no expert on the subject, but if I'm right then I guess I am now. Ok let’s begin, shall we?

Ok, so any black South African woman (I can pretty much say from any tribe) will pretty much tell you that getting “engaged” in their culture is not quite as simple as it is with the Western culture. I’m not too sure about the other cultures but I’m pretty certain about the Zulu and the Xhosa culture (hmmm...just got an idea for another blog)

Well, my general feeling is that now that we are in 2013 we all kinda “wing it” anyway, so we all do that whole ring thing and some even do that going down on one knee thing (some will just ask you randomly while you are washing the dishes and buy the ring a week later. LOL! no seriously). Ok my point is in my culture "the ring" actually means absolutely NOTHING! Yup, Zilch! Yes, yes it’s exciting he’s given you a ring and he’s asked you to marry him but most of that is just for show and will mean NOTHING to your parents! Seriously!

I’ll demonstrate… when I got “engaged” and I ran to show my mom the lovely bling on my finger she looked at it and was like “It’s really beautiful, my baby. Manje uzanini azocela?” (When is he coming to ask for your hand in marriage?). Uhmm…yeah and everyone went back to doing their chores…No screams. Big party. No big congrats hugs. None of that. (No moms were harmed during this exchange).

Anyway enough about me back to the Traditional Zulu Wedding Ceremony. A Zulu wedding is not just a one day celebration but a series of events. So that I sound educated I’ll throw in an expert (Monica Wilson, UCT Anthropology) quote for emphasis “a customary marriage in true African tradition is not an event but a process that comprises a chain of events”. Therefore it is only fitting that I have a series of blogs that will serve to demystify the different practices and rituals that go into this beautiful union. How educated did that sound? Hehehehehe

But I digress…

Ukucelwa (Asking for the hand in marriage) & Lobola Negotiations

So he arranges a very romantic dinner at a fancy place gets over the nerves and gets on one knee and proposes. She’s ecstatic, she says yes, engagement party and now the wedding planning begins correct? WRONG! Now that he asked her she now has the difficult task of telling the parents. I say “difficult task” because most strict Zulu parents don’t believe in the whole “dating thing”(by “parents” – I mean dads because mom’s in every culture are often pretty chilled out…*ehm*); you don’t just “meet the parents” while you are dating. There is no such, it is just not done – a strict traditional Zulu dad has absolutely no desires to meet your “boyfriend”, no desires to talk about your “boyfriend” or the courtship or any of that; and if he had his way his way you would never ever be around boys until/if he okays it (wait that sounds like all dads) and his daughter has the common sense to know not to do anything that will upset this natural order of life. Clear enough? Ok. Moving right along.

The big question now is HOW do you tell the parents then? When you want to get married the first person you go to is your “Babakazi”, your father’s sister or “Malumekazi”, your mother’s brother’s wife or an older sister who is married. They are the people responsible for telling your parents (most people don’t do this anymore, of course – it is after all 2013, so people would just go to their mom and then she tells dad)

The future groom also tells the male counterparts on his side. They then decide on the date for the first “official” meeting with the brides family. This is then followed by writing a letter to the bride's family to request a meeting.  The elected person called “Idombo” is the one who represents the groom at this meeting which is held at the parents of the bride’s home. The groom is not allowed to be present at this meeting - because this meeting is logically only for elders. This is a very important meeting for three main reasons it confirms everyone’s intentions, this is where the guy officially asks for the bride’s hand in marriage (yes, despite the fact that he is not at the meeting) and most importantly this is where the “Lobola” (dowry) is negotiated.

Lobola negotiations (just like all the other customs vary from family to family and sadly has been bastardised by those who use it as a money making scheme which is very sad because this is a very symbolic and beautiful custom). According to most elders asked on the topic this is how it’s supposed to go down:

Lobola is a combination of items given to the family of the bride as a symbol of appreciation from the groom. The father and uncles of the bride decide on what these items are. The first item “ukangaziwe” meaning “now you know me”, is money requested and given at this meeting and is the formal introduction of the groom. (Hopefully the Idombo has enough money with him otherwise the bride’s family will not acknowledge him and the meeting will not proceed – it is rare that the meeting doesn't proceed,  as I noted before this process is not a big money making scheme but a symbolic cultural gesture). 

The “Idombo” is now given a list of the lobola items which can be given in part over a period of time. First is the “Nkomo” which is cattle (how many will be at the discretion of the dad and uncles) or money  equivalent to the price of the cattle, then “Amalobolo” is the mothers cow to give special thanks to the mother for giving birth to and raising the bride.  Next is “Impahla” which are items of clothing for the mother and father. Most pay in part with the majority to begin with, as in certain incidences it is seen as rude to just pay upfront (as if the lobola was nothing but chop-change to you), then maybe a little more after the first child, and the rest remains indebted forever after this point (as a symbol of forever being indebted to the family of the bride for their lovely daughter and to keep the families tied together forever). Beautiful isn’t?

After this meeting the couple is now considered officially engaged. Once the required “lobola” has been paid, which can be a few weeks or months after the initial meeting, the couple is now considered customarily married and can now have the “church wedding”.  But a lot of other rituals and ceremonies take place between the above meeting and the wedding ceremony. Because I’m totally awesome I shall tell you all about them over the next few blogs.

What's in a name - The name-change debate.

What’s in a name?  Apparently, a lot when you are about to get married. The age-old name-change debate is timeless and often tedious for some. Do you change your name? Do you keep your birth name? Do you hyphenate? Well, because I’m so awesome and just like adding a little confusion in your life just for the hell of it; I’m going to give you 5 perfectly good reasons for doing either one. Sorry, can’t make ALL the decisions for you, I’m just a planner. But I can give you perfectly good reasons to do whatever the hell you like! :-) Awesome right?

5 reasons to keep your maiden name

1. You're a feminist. - If you are a feminist and believe that women fought for equality and shouldn’t have to change the one thing that bears a mark of their individuality. After several thousand years of gender-based discriminations getting to keep your surname could be your stand against such discriminations. Women didn’t burn their bras so you have to wear a man's name in 2013 and all your life – let him change to yours, right!? VIVA! Hehehehe…*wipes fingerprints from the tin-opener and walks slowly away from the can of worms*
2. Oh dear! Paperwork - Paperwork gives EVERYONE a headache (of course this is based on absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever). It takes effort having to switch; changing your bank accounts and other account details, passport, ID, all kinds of admin no one really wants to do (my general sweeping statements might get me into trouble one day – but for now we move on).
3. Professional Identity - You probably have professional achievements under your birth name, which might be lost in the name-change. Put plainly, there’s a reason why Tina Turner went through court battles for a name that Ike gave her – trust me it had very little to do with the Turner’s being her “new and loving family”.
4. Credit Rating - You probably want to keep separate credit ratings for whatever reason. Maybe there’s loans you, alone, might need?
5. Divorce - Look, no one wants to think of the possibility of divorce on the eve of their wedding. Just like no one wants to think of the possibility of a heart attack just before a greasy burger and equally greasy chips. Or no one wants to think about accidents just before getting into a car. But hey, this is life, these things happen so maybe take a time-out and consider, if the worst happens, and all romance fails, do you really want to be walking around with the last name that reminds you of your car-wrecked marriage?

5 reasons to take your partner’s surname

1. You're a traditionalist - There is something comforting about something that has been done from generation to generation with no fail. There’s something romantic, meaningful and less chaotic about just following routine. I eat my dinner THEN dessert no matter how many of my "new-age" friends tell me there’s nothing wrong with eating your dessert first, I just like the routine – I refuse to “think outside the box” on this one.  If your mother and her mother and her grandmother changed their names and it worked for them; maybe you want it for yourself. No reason just nje!
2. Explanations! Explanations! Explanations! - Your husband (let’s call him Sipho Dube) has to go to the hospital for some emergency or other; you walk into the emergency room. “Hi I’m Phindi Ndlovu here for Sipho Dube”. Nurse gives you a funny look “I’m sorry only members of the family allowed”. Now, you have to start explaining and sometimes proving who you are. Life is too short to be explaining your relationship. Phindi Dube might be easier? Yes, No? You can pick up theater tickets, dry cleaning and anything else you care to carry that is registered under your spouse’s name.
3. Kids’ Last Name - Maybe you just want everyone to have the same last name. Not you being Phindi Ndlovu and your son is Booitjie Dube? (Remember the hospital drama? *yawn*). It is just less drama to say “we are The Dube’s” anyways. Just plain and simple.
4. You're excited about being a Mrs - Maybe you just like the idea of being “Mrs So&So”. Admit it, a part of you (yes, even if it’s a small softer part somewhere behind that tough feminist exterior) finds the idea pretty exciting. Admit it. Hehehehe ok don’t.
5. “Better” Surname - Maybe, like me, you ALWAYS have to explain your surname, what language is it? Where are you from? How do you pronounce it? Blah blah blah *yawn*. I don’t hate my surname or anything but maybe having an “easier” to pronounce, easier to make a dinner reservation without having to spell it 500 hundred times all the time surname would be better (hyperbole is my thing ok, get over it). But then again then I’d have to marry someone named “Smith” or something...hmmm...ah well, you get my drift. Having a surname like “Smith” sure beats “Swarkefitszingh” or something.

5 reasons to hyphe-nate

1. Best-of-Both - You get to have your spouse’s surname and you get to keep yours, no rocket science here…moving right along.
2. It-Stands-Outs - You can always find your name on a guest list or any list for that matter. It's the longest one! No more holding up the queue for you! Whoohoo!
3. You-Stand-out - Everyone always remembers your name. ALWAYS! Tell me you won’t remember the lady you were having a chat with the other day whose surname was “Swarkefitszingh-Smith”…no? ok nevermind.
4. That-Professional-Identity-Thing-Again - You probably have professional achievements under your birth name, and they won’t get lost in transition.
5. It’s-unique - You made it up so it is yours and yours alone. How many Swarkefitszingh-Smith's do you know? I'll wait...Whether it's homage to your parents, an honor to your new family, it just becomes part of who you are. If you get to have your cake and eat it too when choosing it that’s pretty awesome too right?

At the end of the day, whatever you decide to go with for your last name is your decision, you have to live with it for the rest of your life (or not, whatever) so don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you are not sure of in the name of tradition, guilt or by teasing your birthname, Swarkefitszingh is a great surname!  Your last name. Your choice. Live and let live.

*side note:         Please don’t name your child “Booitjie”. PLEASE!

*side note:         No, Swarkefitszingh is not an actual surname, unless…it is...then maybe you should consider changing it? Ok, ok, I’m sorry to “The Swarkefitszingh’s”